Owning Life

At this moment, where are you at in your life’s journey? Are you just starting to figure yourself out? Are you just worried about making it day to day? I’ve always been one to look to the future. The year I turned twenty-five, I had a plan. I just finished grad school with a master’s degree, so I would focus on my career for the next few years and find a full-time job teaching at a local community college. Then, I would find true love and get married at thirty. We would have our first baby a couple of years later and I’d have my second, and last, baby by thirty-four. I had it figured out. I even had names picked out for my future children.

Fast forward to August 2018. I was on the verge of burn out from working four part-time jobs, true love wasn’t happening anytime soon, and fertility was turning into a curse word. Life could definitely be worse, but that thought isn’t a comfort when you’re hurting. I imagine you’ve been there at some point, right? It’s not exactly uncommon.

I made some decisions. I had to let go of some dreams I’ve had my hold life, whether I liked it or not. One of my favorite writers, Maya Angelou, once wrote that “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” So, I made a change. I got a full-time job in a completely different field that had absolutely nothing to do with teaching. Do I love it? Not really. Can I tolerate it? Yeah. It pays the bills, barely, but that sure is something.

Surprisingly, this change opened room for more changes. Suddenly I had my evenings and weekends free because I only had one job. ONE! For the first time in my adult life, I only worked forty hours a week. Holy shit! The freedom was… beautiful. So, I started doing something I always wanted to do. I love reading and I love writing, but I only ever had time to pursue one of them. I chose reading. Now, I have the time to write. I have the time to put all these fun ideas of mine on paper. All these stories rolling around in my head will finally get a chance to see the light of day. I also have a new goal, a new dream, maybe even a better dream. That’s life, right? Where are you at in your journey? It may not be what you wanted or originally envisioned, but you’re alive and you have a chance to own your life.

Take a look at yourself. At this very moment, you are beautiful and just the way you’re supposed to be. Can you change? That’s what life is about – growing and becoming a better person. At this very moment, your life is where it needs to be. Can it get better? Sure. Can it get worse? Hell, yes it can. I’m single, and I’m demisexual. It makes dating difficult, but it’s who I am, and it took me over thirty years to learn that I don’t have to wear a fake mask to fit with society’s “norm.” I’m short, chubby, and thirty-five, and I’m fucking beautiful. I’m not a teacher. I was good at it, really good, but it doesn’t mean that I can’t be happy with my career. I absolutely adore writing. I love sharing my stories with you all, so my happiness just found a different path. Now, big breath! Maybe I’m not supposed to be a mom, and yeah, that’s really hard to even think, much less write. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have people in my life to love and take care of. It means, my journey just took a different direction.

Back to you. Where are you at in your life’s journey? I’d love to meet you.

3 thoughts on “Owning Life”

  1. Wow, ok. Not sure where to start. I’m turning 36 this year, single, and a demisexual (leaning more towards asexual). I could never understand when people would say “Oh, that person is so hot!” My response was always, “But they could be an as*hole.” lol So, I was glad to find out that what I was feeling towards these “hot” people was normal for some. I only figured out that I was demisexual when I was in my late twenties, but better late than never!

    I’m nowhere near where I thought I’d be in life. I wanted to get married and have some babies. Now, I’m focusing on my mental health and burn out. I’ve been diagnosed as having Cyclothymia and it’s been a struggle my entire life just to even think of having a life. My mom passed away from breast cancer a 14 years ago, I have 8 siblings, five of them are younger than me. The youngest was turning 10 yrs old when she passed away. The raising of them fell to me (unfair? maybe, but I’d do it again in a heartbeat) but it burnt me out. I love little kids but I just can’t handle them anymore. I even had to stop babysitting my nieces and nephews because it became too much for me to handle – mentally. It gets hard when the rest of my family are demanding to know when I’m going to get married and have some babies. Well, first, I have to meet someone! Which is extremely difficult for me to do. I can’t look you in the eyes until we meet for about the third time and I feel more comfortable with you. I find social situations hard to deal with. Plus, I have fertility issues as well (PCOS), so getting pregnant would be difficult for me. I’ve concluded that babies of my own are just not in my future. Even if I did manage to get pregnant, I wouldn’t be in a good place mentally to take care of the baby. It was a tough pill to swallow when I figured that out.

    So now I just focus on myself and what I can do to feel better about how I perceive myself, others and the world. I’ve gotten a lot better since I was diagnosed and kind of look towards a different future now. Not really sure what I want to do or where to do it but I’m getting there! 🙂

    • It’s nice to meet you, Nancy! It sounds like we have a lot in common. I think that was the one of the best things I found when I figured out demisexuality and asexuality were a thing. Labels can be confining, but they can also offer a clarity. I look forward to talking with you in the future. Thank you for sharing your story.

      • You’re welcome and nice to meet you as well. 🙂 It was easy to share after your story. Yes, labels are hard to define at times. I seriously thought I was broken somehow until I found those definitions – which I would have never seen if I had not started to read M/M books. There are not a lot of mainstream romance that have demisexual or asexual characters. In fact, I can’t even think of one that has that kind of character that I’ve read. Still, imagine my relief at knowing I was not alone in my feelings! It was a complete eye opener. I was not broken – just wired a little differently. 😀
        Some people make jokes about being in the “friend zone” but it’s a good thing with us! 😉


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