My Soul is Tired

(Frustrated exhausted woman pictured above)

At the beginning of 2020, I was going to write a book per month, keep my blog updated with monthly or bi-monthly posts, and send out monthly newsletters. Ha! 

This year has been rough for a lot of people. Some have been stuck at home for months and months; some have lost their jobs; some live in a constant state of worry about Covid-19. Some have lost family members or passed away themselves. A global pandemic is no easy thing to live with.

When I was a kid, there would be days when I would start feeling emotionally numb. I could always tell when it was happening, but there wasn’t any way to stop it. I would tell my mom that my soul was tired.

She would hug me and tell me that sometimes our souls just need a rest and that it would be better in the morning. She was right. Sometimes it would take a few days, but I would feel better.

Looking back, I know now that I was having bouts of Depression. I’ve had them my whole life, but never knew exactly what they were. They never interfered with my daily life, so I would always just wait for a few days to feel better.

This year, in January, my family had some trials to work through. My dad had surgery to remove his bladder due to cancer, and I switched to working from home and caring for him as he recovered. 

It wasn’t easy. I will always have a healthy dose of respect for those of you that are caretakers, parents, and health workers. You give so much of yourself to another person. I feel like I failed at this.

My soul got tired.

I expected Dad’s recovery to take a month or so, but it took until March for him to be in a place where I could leave him alone for more than an hour. Then the pandemic hit as soon as I had the freedom to escape the house. Self-isolating was the best thing to do to keep Dad healthy and recovering.

The year got progressively worse, and my soul stayed tired. 

I kept telling myself that I had no right to feel bad. I have a job I adore and can pay my bills. Dad is now cancer free and doing better. What the hell was wrong with me? What did I have to be depressed about?

The answer? Uh, Depression doesn’t work that way, dumbass.

It was bad. Really bad. There were, like my doctor likes to call them, “better off dead” thoughts. I couldn’t be around the rest of my family, and my dad was fighting his own mental battles. There were days I would call by best friend and just cry as I ranted about any and every thing. I wasn’t me and I hated it. I felt so guilty for not being perfectly happy. 

The reason I’m sharing this with you all is that I want you to know that you’re allowed to be sad. You’re allowed to be upset with the world. You’re allowed to be upset period. You don’t have to have a reason. Feeling is part of what makes us human. There is no Who Has the Most Reason to Be Miserable competition. 

I got help. I talked to my doctor and started medication. After a couple of weeks of taking my medication, I wanted to kick myself for waiting so long. I finally felt like myself. I’ve had to work with my doctor to figure out the right dosage, so I have my ups and downs, but there are no more “better off dead” thoughts. Just days of feeling exhausted. 

What does that mean for my writing? It means I’m taking it one day at a time and doing what I can. I’ve started several stories, then stalled. I’m actually only three chapters away from finishing Tobias and Beau. THREE! 

So… Don’t worry. There will be many, many more C.W. Gray/Chloe Gray books. I’m getting there and having you all waiting on books is absolutely wonderful and motivating. I’ve accomplished a lot this year and may even get a little more done now that I’m feeling better.

My soul is tired, but it will be better one morning soon. 

Completed 2020 BooksThe Rebel’s Mate, “Candy Hearts and a Witch’s Ring,” The Not so Little Merman, “A Mate from the Deep,” Convincing the AlphaDeath’s MateAdler and Orrick, “Carrot Cake and a Witch’s Surprise,” Fire’s MateLoving His OmegaHis Boy Blue, and “Fernando’s Marine.”

Possible December Releases: “Muddy Paws and a Fae’s Wings” and Snowflake Kisses and Warm Winter Wishes

Coming in 2021: Tobias and Beau, His Winter Mate, The Sea Witch, The Sherriff’s Omega, Selene’s Rules for Wooing, Adoring his Omega, and many more. 🙂

C.W.

21 thoughts on “My Soul is Tired”

  1. Take care of yourself. This year has been trying for sure. I send happy writing vibes! I am waiting patiently for the Sea Witch and any more of Charybdis, and Hobson Hills of course!

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    • Thank you! I’m writing a little every day and eventually those words will add up, lol. Writing is seriously my happy place so it bothers me when I can’t disappear in one like usual.

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  2. I understand so very much. I’m trying right now to see a Doctor myself but with what is going on there is none taking new patients right now. But I will get in I have to have faith plus I gave good friends like you that check up on me. All your stories do help you know. I love them all .so you keep on keeping on and so will I. Love ya.

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  3. I suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. When I was young, I was told, it’s all in my head and to buck up. Years later after I lost my husband, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and finally found out, it wasn’t all in my head. Over the years I’ve been my grandmother’s, my husband’s, my dad and mother’s caregiver, and it’s very hard. After awhile I just got tired, so very tired. This year been very rough for all of us. My grandmother used to say that God never gives more than we can handle, but enough already. Our family has been very lucky that no one has gotten sick. I do worry about my son, though. He works in the ER at a local hospital. I have only seen him three times since last April, he doesn’t want to take a chance and visit me. We talk and text a lot, but it’s not the same. Sorry, I guess I’m ranting, it just feels good to know there are others out there that feel like me.

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    • Sending major hugs your way! I seriously have mad respect for all caregivers. It’s easy to love someone, but taking care of them long term is a whole other kind of love.

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  4. My soul has been tired too this year, I can’t imagine how difficult it would be for someone who suffers with depression already.

    Just know that your books are my go to feel good books. They’re a ray of sunshine on a dark day.

    I look forward to reading anything you write.

    Health comes first 😊 self care is important too.

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  5. I do know you mean. Sometimes people don’t understand that it takes time for your soul to feel better and get back to your real self again.
    It’s hard when your head and your heart are on opposite sides.
    It sounds trite, but sometimes all you can do is one step at a time. One day at a time or one moment at a time.
    Wishing you all the best.

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  6. Oh hon, you have nothing to apologize for. And you have no need to be sorry. Depression is a bitch and someone needs to kick her ass. I’m so glad that your dad is better and that you got the help you needed from your doctors. Sometimes I feel like doctors let things slide when it comes to patients with depression. I love your books and reread them all the times. Especially Hobbson Hills series. I have to have a dose of Carter and Eli and all the animals. So thank you for being brave enough to write about this not slot of people would. By you writing g your blog may e one person will read it and realize there is help for them to

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  7. This year has been historic in all the bad ways and so hard. My sympathies but you need to just take care of yourself and no one begrudges you that since your books are my comfort zones. I read your books for my therapy, know that you put out a lot of good into the world. I look forward to the coming treasures but no pressure. Good thinks take time.

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  8. “You’re allowed to be upset period. You don’t have to have a reason. Feeling is part of what makes us human.” Thank you for those words. Sometimes I ask myself why am I so upset, for it seems like there should be a reason. Those three short sentences: Such simple words have such a big impact.

    I love your books. I always love to see a new book released by you. However if ever I miss being in Hobson Hills or soaring with the Blue Solace crew, I just re-read the series. I never get tired of the humorous and love laced stories you write. Its like spending time with old friends.

    Thank you for being a wonderful author.

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  9. Take care of you depression sucks I speak from experience. Whenever I need a pick-me-up to get me through the day I read one of you books whether it be one of the Blue Solace, Hobson Hills, or Silver Isle books they never fail to bring a smile to my day. I can wait for more!!

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