At the beginning of 2020, I was going to write a book per month, keep my blog updated with monthly or bi-monthly posts, and send out monthly newsletters. Ha!
This year has been rough for a lot of people. Some have been stuck at home for months and months; some have lost their jobs; some live in a constant state of worry about Covid-19. Some have lost family members or passed away themselves. A global pandemic is no easy thing to live with.
When I was a kid, there would be days when I would start feeling emotionally numb. I could always tell when it was happening, but there wasn’t any way to stop it. I would tell my mom that my soul was tired.
She would hug me and tell me that sometimes our souls just need a rest and that it would be better in the morning. She was right. Sometimes it would take a few days, but I would feel better.
Looking back, I know now that I was having bouts of Depression. I’ve had them my whole life, but never knew exactly what they were. They never interfered with my daily life, so I would always just wait for a few days to feel better.
This year, in January, my family had some trials to work through. My dad had surgery to remove his bladder due to cancer, and I switched to working from home and caring for him as he recovered.
It wasn’t easy. I will always have a healthy dose of respect for those of you that are caretakers, parents, and health workers. You give so much of yourself to another person. I feel like I failed at this.
My soul got tired.
I expected Dad’s recovery to take a month or so, but it took until March for him to be in a place where I could leave him alone for more than an hour. Then the pandemic hit as soon as I had the freedom to escape the house. Self-isolating was the best thing to do to keep Dad healthy and recovering.
The year got progressively worse, and my soul stayed tired.
I kept telling myself that I had no right to feel bad. I have a job I adore and can pay my bills. Dad is now cancer free and doing better. What the hell was wrong with me? What did I have to be depressed about?
The answer? Uh, Depression doesn’t work that way, dumbass.
It was bad. Really bad. There were, like my doctor likes to call them, “better off dead” thoughts. I couldn’t be around the rest of my family, and my dad was fighting his own mental battles. There were days I would call by best friend and just cry as I ranted about any and every thing. I wasn’t me and I hated it. I felt so guilty for not being perfectly happy.
The reason I’m sharing this with you all is that I want you to know that you’re allowed to be sad. You’re allowed to be upset with the world. You’re allowed to be upset period. You don’t have to have a reason. Feeling is part of what makes us human. There is no Who Has the Most Reason to Be Miserable competition.
I got help. I talked to my doctor and started medication. After a couple of weeks of taking my medication, I wanted to kick myself for waiting so long. I finally felt like myself. I’ve had to work with my doctor to figure out the right dosage, so I have my ups and downs, but there are no more “better off dead” thoughts. Just days of feeling exhausted.
What does that mean for my writing? It means I’m taking it one day at a time and doing what I can. I’ve started several stories, then stalled. I’m actually only three chapters away from finishing Tobias and Beau. THREE!
So… Don’t worry. There will be many, many more C.W. Gray/Chloe Gray books. I’m getting there and having you all waiting on books is absolutely wonderful and motivating. I’ve accomplished a lot this year and may even get a little more done now that I’m feeling better.
My soul is tired, but it will be better one morning soon.
Completed 2020 Books: The Rebel’s Mate, “Candy Hearts and a Witch’s Ring,” The Not so Little Merman, “A Mate from the Deep,” Convincing the Alpha, Death’s Mate, Adler and Orrick, “Carrot Cake and a Witch’s Surprise,” Fire’s Mate, Loving His Omega, His Boy Blue, and “Fernando’s Marine.”
Possible December Releases: “Muddy Paws and a Fae’s Wings” and Snowflake Kisses and Warm Winter Wishes.
Coming in 2021: Tobias and Beau, His Winter Mate, The Sea Witch, The Sherriff’s Omega, Selene’s Rules for Wooing, Adoring his Omega, and many more. 🙂